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Best Of: The Onion and Marketing

Phillip Reinhardt

Art Buchwald said, “The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it,” and we couldn’t agree more. Here at PBJ, we love satire and were psyched to recently see all the articles published by The Onion that take shots at marketing professionals. After all, if you can’t laugh at yourself, then how can you laugh at all?

 

World’s Worst Person Decides to Go Into Marketing

 

“I think it’s the career path that will best utilize my networking skills and my ability to think outside the box,” said Deenan, whose smug, gloating tone and shit-eating smile just make you want to punch his goddamn teeth in. 

 

‘Okay, Gene, Let’s Just Get Through This,’ Marketing Executive Beginning Day Tells Self

 

“Here we go, just four hours until lunchtime,” Strassman murmured while booting up his office computer. “You can do this…you can plan and facilitate a rebrand meeting with the Applebee’s team.”

 

Lazy Puma Exec Pitches Commercial Where Usain Bolt Runs Away From Something

 

“I don’t know, maybe in one [commercial] he’s running away from a car or a train, or toward a car or a train,” Dewitt said to members of Puma’s executive board, including company president Mark Parker. “If it’s a train it should probably be one of those silver, pointy-looking ones that look like they go super fast.”

 

Increasingly Desperate Advertisers Settle For More Attainable 35-To-44-Year-Old Demographic

 

“And you know, 35-to-44-year-olds aren’t so bad. Some people may say they’re not as desirable, but their higher disposable income and education are actually really nice. Yeah, I can definitely see our brands with people in their late 30s.” 

 

Olay Getting Women To Drop Guard With Few Nonjudgmental Ads Before Nailing Them With Body Shame

 

“We’ll lull them into a false sense of security by throwing an affirming message or two their way, starting with our new tagline: ‘Embrace you,’” said Olay marketing director Devin Salazar, who told reporters the goal was to get as many women as possible to leave themselves wide open for what comes next.

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